I recently posted a couple of blogs about my fertility woes and battles with pcos. I mentioned in the latter post that I had finally found a doctor willing to help me and invest in my health concerns, and shortly after visiting with her the first couple of times, she resigned to pursue another career opportunity. Since then I have been feeling discouraged and disheartened because in the past, I have been through other doctors that just did not offer the quality of care I needed. I had doctors who wanted to prescribe medicine to cover up my symptoms without actually treating them properly, and doctors who didn’t bother to dig any deeper to find out what’s really going on. Due to my anxiety issues, it’s hard for me to even meet with doctors and it’s exhausting to really be putting in the effort to get help and be met with substandard care.
Knowing that I have less than a month left with my current doctor before she is gone, I decided to contact her in regards to my future care. I finally heard back from her today and she outlined a care plan that I could follow into the near future and told me to contact the front desk to select one of her colleagues to be my new doctor. Unfortunately, 2 of those colleagues are physicians that I’ve already seen before and have not had success with. That leaves 2 others in the same practice, and to say that I’m nervous to be in the care of either one of them would be an understatement. I’m worried that because my current treatment hasn’t been improving my health issues as of yet, I’ll need more extensive, ongoing care and a new doctor just may not be as invested in helping me and I’ll be back to square one. This is such a frustrating process and I’m so tired of being in limbo.
As silly as it seems for someone who is hell bent on having another baby, my husband and I are somewhat taking a break from trying at the moment. Not that my body is ovulating, anyway. But we both agreed it would be best to avoid having a baby too close to the holidays and in November/December— around the time when we are surrounded by people who are sick. Every year when we visit with family over the holidays, someone inevitably has the flu, or strep, or colds— and then passes it along to us. Because we have two other children, we don’t want to “cancel” their holidays, either, due to having a new baby. The idea of bringing a baby into the environment around that time practically makes me shudder. Maybe I’m being over dramatic, over protective, and overly worrisome. I wouldn’t be surprised.
Of course, it is around this same time that I start to have what I believe to be fertility signs— the cramping on one side of my lower abdomen, the fertile cervical fluid, lower than usual BBTs. I decided to order more ovulation tests. I’d given up using them for a while because it seemed like I was throwing money in the trash. When your cycles are up to 10 months long and you have absolutely no idea when to test, you go through a lot of them. And all are negative. For a minute, I did actually think, ok, what if I am ovulating? Would I still abstain from trying right now? Would I stick to my guns and waste an opportunity when they are so rare? It’s so much easier to come to these types of decisions when you know you’re not ovulating. In fact, it’s pretty much decided for you and you don’t actually have a choice.
Luckily, my ovulation tests arrived in the mail today. If you’re not familiar with ovulation tests, you take them the same way you would an at home pregnancy test. The difference is that there’s almost always two lines that show up on an ovulation test, because you usually always have a small amount of the LH hormone in your system. On a pregnancy test, 2 lines mean you’re pregnant; but an ovulation test is only positive if the test line is as dark or darker than the control line. Even then, if you have pcos it doesn’t always mean you will ovulate. It just means your body attempted to, another reason why I stopped using the tests for a while. Today, though, I took one.
Close, but no cigar. While there was a prominent test line, it was still lighter than the control. Will that mean I’ll still ovulate in the next few days? Time will tell. I’ve taken these tests enough to know that unless it’s a clear positive, it really doesn’t mean anything at all. Tomorrow, there could be a faint, hardly visible line. Or maybe it’s the same. Or maybe darker, but still not positive. Some women get a clear progression over a span of days from light to dark; not me. I’m not sure if it’s the pcos or just how my body operates, but my tests are all over the place. I’ve done this enough to know not to get my hopes up. Maybe I won’t have to make a decision about whether to try or not after all.