The Beauty in the Breakdown (PCOS pt 4)

Whew! I love a good cry when your endorphins are released and you suddenly feel like all your negative feelings were expelled from your body in the form of tears.

Last night, I had a little breakdown. My husband and I didn’t really celebrate Valentine’s day. We exchanged gifts Tuesday, but other than that, we just had a pretty normal night. Valentine’s Day is just too crazy for us low key people and we never get out into the masses. I also wasn’t feeling well at all. I’ve been struggling with nausea from the Metformin and nothing I ate was settling well with me. It proved to be a double-edged sword, though, because not eating enough was causing me to feel ill also. Now on top of my awful stomach ache, I was dealing with a relentless migraine and very low energy from not eating. I felt completely wiped out by the time I returned home from helping with my oldest kid’s school Valentines party. My youngest must not have been feeling great, either. We butted heads all evening because her terrible two temper was strong. She’s normally a pretty good, pretty laid back child, but last night a tiny demon must have possessed her little body. It was the worst night she’s had in a long time and she also didn’t sleep well, which is unusual. 

After we put the kids to bed, I sat staring at our living room wall as I tried to hold back the tears. I was doing pretty good with it until hubs sat down next to me and asked if I was ok. Do you ever have that happen to you? You’ve obviously got a lot weighing on you, but you’re doing fine holding it in until someone asks if you’re ok or what’s wrong. Then it’s like someone broke a water pipe and now it won’t stop. That was me. 😂 I didn’t want to cry, it just happened. I am a cryer. If I’m mad, frustrated, sad, happy, grateful, laughing, I’m crying, too. 

I started explaining just how frustrated I was. I’ve been on Metformin since November, a total of only 3 months, but during that time I have just not felt good at all. After first going on it and also after increasing the dose, I had stomach flu symptoms that lasted about two weeks at a time. From then on, I just have this perpetual stomach ache and nausea that won’t let up. It’s not bad enough to throw up all the time, but it’s bad enough to be extremely uncomfortable and miserable. Some days are worse than others, but it is always there and I’m struggling to deal with it much longer. On nights like last night where it’s particularly bad, and I’m also sick with something else like a pounding migraine on top of it, I just want to give it all up. If only giving up gave me better options.

I do have options, it’s just that none of them sit particularly well with me. All have serious cons that I feel could outweigh the pros. I could go back on birth control and take the other medication that I’m not allowed to get pregnant on. That one may not make me sick, and it may work better but then I can’t get pregnant for the foreseeable future. And going on birth control has a history of messing up my cycles even more. So, when the time comes for me to come off of it again, it has the potential to make things harder for me. Then there’s fertility treatments to expedite this pregnancy process. I really don’t want to do that for multiple reasons— pun intended— because one of those reasons is multiples. Due to my high FSH and high ovarian reserve, I have a much higher chance of having multiples than other women if I do fertility treatments. Add to that the fact that twins run along my maternal line of the family. Ordinarily I wouldn’t take issue, but we already have two kids and a vehicle we just bought that can’t hold 2+ more. Or a house that could hold that many, for that matter. It would also mean that I couldn’t have a home birth like I’ve been planning. There’s just a lot of risk there. The other issue is that my body doesn’t tolerate fertility treatments well, either. I’d be just as miserable, if not more so, on those as I am with Metformin; just for different reasons. Part of it is also my pride getting in the way. I really want this to be a natural conception just to experience it. 

I’m not in a huge rush to get pregnant right this second. In fact, I’ve said that since we first started trying again. I’d like it to happen within the next year, but I also want it to be somewhat on its own time. However, I am in a rush to get my reproductive health under control and to feel better. Everything about having severe pcos for the last almost 6 years has been horrendous. I’m glad I got to have a good cry last night. 

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